dating

Does anyone other than me often judge their date as others would see them? I had a second date with someone yesterday - unfortunately I was pooped and I am not sure why. He is very nice and kind and thoughtful. I am wondering what else there is to him. I can't go too beige.
Today I had a first date with someone, who I don't know if I will see him again. He is very fit. But he made a joke of everything I said. I think he was trying to be witty. And when he spoke, he sometimes closed his eyes to think. It was just very stylized. Knowing that my family would have such fun mocking him, I just don't know if I should go on a second date. But maybe, just maybe when he relaxes he is less stylized.

Travel and Christmas are upon me

Travel and Christmas are upon me. Unfortunately that statement feels literal. As if I am being slightly smooshed by them. It is not huge and dramatic, just slight. I am rather ill prepared for both. And yet I am driving north tomorrow. I won't list what needs to get done before I go. Some of it may not get done. And that will have to be okay and typing it all here would take longer than doing some of it. Being home will be great. Seeing my nieces and my family will be great. And this Christmas should be pretty mellow. I am planning on giving everyone massages - so I get lots of practice and they get to feel how good I am (hopefully).

Facebook Status

I realize my need to blog has been greatly taken care of by updating my facebook status regularly. I think I am going to blog (even if it is just a sentence or two) every time I update my status.

Cleanse Done

I completed the 10 day Master Cleanse. Day 11 I drank the prescribed OJ and Day 12 I made some vegetable soup (which was yummy). I haven't had caffeine in 15 days - ooh! For me that is a record. Last time I did this, I didn't do the salt water flush or give up coffee. It all went well. That first weekend of eating (3 days after eating for the first time) I went out and ate with my parents. That first night I must have been a little gluttonous for early the next morning I woke up to my intestines simultaneously crying and yelling at me. I was fine but tender the next day and I ate rather more carefully the rest of the weekend. I still haven't had caffiene - 3 weeks later. I realized at the end of the 10 days that I could probably fit into my skinny jeans and lo and behold I can (unitended bonus).

Day 6 of Master Cleanse

So, I did this once before for 10 days. But I didn't do the salt water flush. I am doing it this time. Granted it means you have to get up a lot earlier than you want so you feel intestinally secure when you walk out the door.
Normal side effect to this are bad breath and a coating on your tongue. (Luckily, I read that these were normal). In addition, my hips are achy. I did read that your body gets achy due to toxins getting released and cleansed (again, normal). Good side effects that others noticed (not I) - more energy (or at least I had it during rehearsal yesterday) and the dark circles under my eyes were lessened (granted I am having an easier time getting myself to bed earlier now).
My favorite thing about this cleanse is you don't have to make ANY decisions about food. Whereas on a diet you have choices - this eliminates them completely. Granted last night I really wanted ice cream and I did get to decide "no." If I had chosen "yes" I probably would have felt horrible - bleah.

Science Experiement Continues

Today is my second day on the Master Cleanse. So far so good. Slight headache this morning and evening. But the flush worked this morning. If I keep drinking the stuff, I don't get hungry. We will see how it goes tomorrow - I am teaching 3 classes (there is a break between 2 of them). I have let the dating spree lapse, so perhaps I will call some of the people I need to call during my break tomorrow. My ph balance was good both yesterday and today.

Overcast sky

This morning is the first morning in a long time that I am waking up ready to go, ready to take on my day. I am looking for what needs to get done and not lagging (although I am blogging). I am so very excited it is overcast and that it rained last night. I am glad sunny southern california has taken a break from being sunny. And I don't know if they are correlated (it probably has more to do with my health), but the sky is overcast and my outlook isn't. (maybe the rain washed away the gloom).

science experiment

My anatomy teacher talked to our class about looking at our health as our own private science experiment. Checking our Ph balance to see what helps it, changes it, seeing how cleanses effect our general health. We have been exposed to a lot of ideas of how to make ones health better. I don't feel that I can recommend things to clients unless I have seen how they help.
So, I am starting the experiment after Thanksgiving. I am starting with the Master Cleanse (the one with lemon and cayanne and maple syrup) on Friday. I plan on doing for 5 day minimum to 10 days max. Then I was to do a colon cleanse and a gall bladder cleanse. But I will have to figure out the timing with the holidays. The gall bladder cleanse is 4-6 weeks and includes a vegan diet. But I have to figure out what works the best for me.
What I would like to see in my body, is for my joints to let less creaky, my energy level to be better, and the scar tissue in my body to heal.
Getting my liver and gall bladder to work better (perhaps optimally) should help all of this.

The Moon Is Half Full

I saw the moon tonight as I was driving home. It was half full. It looked like a cup keeping its contents from falling upon the earth. Life feels that way. Just half full. And yet it is hard to keep its contents from spilling out and making a mess.

The dating spree is still on. And I actually had a good date tonite. He is closer but he doesn't feel like he is it. He is interesting and seems both more liberal and more green than I (which is something I want). But he made it clear about a half an hour in that on these first dates, eharmony doesn't think of them as "dates" and they say we each should pay his or her own share. Really? And while charming and good looking from the front, he was wearing a shirt only someone fit should wear and while he isn't unfit, not a great choice. I don't think I am that picky, and I know I sound picky right now, but... why can't I have everything?

Right now I just want someone who will hold me and tell me it will all be okay. I don't want to settle. (right now my sister and my best friend are picturing some of my previous beaus and thinking huh.???)

10 Good Things About Frankie

1. Frankie had beautiful blue eyes
2. Frankie had elegance and grace
3. Frankie talked but she didn't squawk
4. Frankie always came running when I got home (except when I got home from Spain and then she let me worry)
5. Frankie always slept with me until I fell asleep.
6. Frankie was good with children.
7. Frankie traveled well.
8. Frankie kept me safe from cockroaches, mice and other cats.
9. Frankie let me snuggle with her whenever I wanted or needed.
10. Frankie was a good cat.

(yes, the idea was stolen from the book The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst that my sister just sent me)

Wheeeee! It's a Dating Spree!

So far I have gone out with 4 different men. This online thing is very time intensive. This last week I have slacked off the actual on line bit. Granted the dates are taking up time. None of the dates have been bad, they have all been enjoyable. I just haven't been bowled over by anyone and I don't know if I "should" be bowled over (being knocked down doesn't sound fun).

Things I have discovered about myself...
There is a part of me that wants to be swept of my feet (granted, if that were to happen, I don't know if I would trust it - I would want to...)
I don't like it when men lie about their height.
I am disconcerted when my apartment would fit into their kitchen (not that I don't deserve a huge kitchen), but it is odd.
I don't want to invite anyone into my apartment at this point - partly because it is my space and partly because I haven't told them what kind of dance I teach (I dance around that fact).
I have to remind myself that men are tender souls and probably more insecure than I and yet, I don't have to be "nice" or accommodating (don't worry, I am always polite and friendly).
I am enjoying the process.
I need fun and I need financially responsible.
And I need at least taller than me, preferably taller than me in heels, but short by itself won't knock him out of the running.
I like it much better if they don't try to make out on the first date.

That is the spree at this point. I have another date Sunday with the man I went out with last night (which was fun and comfortable) and I am in phone communication with one other man. I suppose I'd better get back on line.

Frankie and her fabulous life

Text is coming tomorrow. (and probably more pictures).

quick update more coming tomorrow...

Tomorrow I will be writing about Frankie and her fabulous life and I will write about my dating spree AND I will write about a change of outlook.

Hats and Martyrs

Sometimes it takes looking from someone else's viewpoint to see how mired you are in something. Months ago, whenever the World Cup was, I was crushed by this man who is leaving for Germany. He had no idea he crushed me, but I was crushed. That week, I had a massage from my friend Rie, the goddess of bodyworkers, and I told her of my broken heart. Then, a few weeks later, when all my employment issues were going on and I had contacted him for advice, she and I went out to dinner and during he called to check in and make sure I was okay. Last she had heard was he'd broken my heart and now we were talking, hmmm. Then, this last tuesday, she had just gotten back from her incredible adventure and I was sitting in the lobby of the studio knitting and she asked who the hat was for. And of course it is for him for Germany. Granted it is a color that looks good on me if I choose not to give it to him. All of a sudden, I realized how I seemed to someone else - rather ewwww. And I was glad it actually felt over. Granted, I may not let it be completely over until he is on that plane. But I realize that is my choice and my delusion.

And on a happy note, I have 2 dates this next week with men from eharmony. (the timing seems perfect)

when your playlist makes you laugh

Went for a walk this morning on the beach. Was breathing into my heart as the song Ready for Love by India.Arie came on. I thought to myself "well, perfect song." Then I ran into the man I have been seeing on and off for 4 years (I haven't spent any time with him since before April) and is moving to Germany this month. He was walking with his mom. We talked for a moment and I walked on. The next song to come on Scrood By U by Lords of Acid, which made me laugh as the lyrics are how in some ways I feel about him. Then as I turned around and crossed his path again Let's Get It On by good ole Marvin Gaye was playing. Then on my way back to my apartment was Ooh La La with Goldfrapp singing about being made for love. And then my favorite Song of the Siren by This Mortal Coil. And the whole time I kept remembering to breath into my heart. And I realized that his moving away creates more space for me to love and fall in love. And as I walked into my building I revolutionary thought (for me) that I love him, but I am not in love with him anymore.

Just an interesting side note, I named my new Ipod "Soundtrack to my Adventure."

Yes, I am a geek

My thoughts after watching the first half of Ugly Betty last week...

Did you watch ugly betty? I couldn't even make myself stay awake to watch it all. The writing has gone downhill. Unless the whole first half was set up for the rest. Like back to the future 2 was just set up for 3.

Now after watching the second half, I realize the first half was just set up. But really, that much set up?

I will give it another chance, but we'll see.

On other tv related thoughts...I am so so glad that Life is back on the air. And we get two episodes this week. Mondays and tomorrow nights. Oooh...

disconcerting

It is a little disconcerting to be watching Grey's Anatomy and happen to not fast forward through a news clip only to find out that your bank has been seized by the feds. Hmmmm.... I think I am changing banks tomorrow. The only thing is that my paycheck is being deposited automatically tomorrow. I guess I need to take care of that paperwork for my next paycheck. Life is wierd. We never thought banks could fail as we have fail safes in place. They don't seem as fail safe as they should. Or maybe it is that the depositors money is still safe (I certainly hope) even though the bank is changing hands. I am not sure how it works, but they just opened a Wells Fargo across the street from my home, so here I come.

eharmony

Okay, I am fessing up. I have put myself on eharmony. My friend Victoria came over monday to help me fill out the forms and she has been giving me help over the phone since then. I officially joined yesterday and have taken on "conversing" with at least 5 people a day. Victoria says stick with at least 3, if there aren't 5 that are worth it - don't email just to make the numbers. But I think if they keep sending me more matches, I will always have options.

Yesterday I sent questions to 6 people. Tonite, I emailed 8 men. I am realizing that spelling and grammar are important to me since incorrect spelling and grammar drive me a bit crazy. (my sister is laughing at that as mine aren't perfect) I figure if I notice the error it is obvious.

We shall see - I will keep you "posted".

update on desires from last week

1. I highly doubt the man i met last week read this blog - thank goodness
2. all of my classes lately have been really great
3. my trip to the dentist was long and my tooth is still a little tender, but it all went well
4. I didn't help the boy previously mentioned celebrate his birthday
5. Didn't go to the party where I would have had to wear silver, so didn't need to find an outfit. Instead I went to an old college friend's housewarming. It was great to touch base with him again and meet his sweetheart.
6. I have been sleeping well (when I get to bed)

A quick update...

My heart is so much better. Time does wonders and so do friends well wishes and threats to kick him the shins. I know it is less than a week but it was only a wee heartbreak. And not that it helped my heart, but he did email to thank me for the flowers, which did make me feel appreciated.

My new habits are actually going pretty well. The first week, I did blog 4 times during the week, although (reasonably so) I didn't feel like writing much last week.
Walking and journaling do well during the week, but on weekends, they seem to lapse. My flylady habits are still spotty, but getting better as I am seeing clients at my home. This kind of forces the issue.

And my crown (the one on my tooth, not the one that I wear when I am being the "queen of all i see") is doing well as long as don't grind my teeth - then it hurts.

free will astrology

Years ago, my friend Victoria turned me on to Free Will Astrology. Now, many people poo poo astrology - that is fine. This astrologer writes things in a fabulous and cryptic way so you take from it what you need. In reading on that site this morning, I found two things that struck cords within me and seemed worth sharing. Neither were horoscopes but from Rob Breznsy's book PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The first:

A Spell to Commit Pronoia, by psychotherapist Jennifer Welwood:

Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear, I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss, I am given unimaginable gifts;
Surrendering into emptiness, I find fullness without end.
Each condition I flee from pursues me.
Each condition I welcome transforms me
And becomes itself transformed Into its radiant jewel-like essence.
I bow to the one who has made it so, Who has crafted this Master Game;
To play it is pure delight, To honor it is true devotion.

And the second had the directions to notice how you feel as you speak the following:

"The strong, independent part of me resisted the embarrassing truth for a long time, but I finally came to accept that I'm someone who craves vast amounts of love. Ever since I surrendered to this need, it doesn't nag me all the time, as it used to. In fact, it feels comforting, like a source of sweetness that doesn't go away. I never thought I'd say this, but I've come to treasure the feeling of having a voracious yearning to be loved."

sightings...

Part of the fun of living in lala land is that every so often you get to see someone famous that you admire. This week I had two of those sightings!!! Neither is particularly famous. But I admire both of them. Granted, I didn't stop and talk to either of them, so it may just have been their doppelgangers, in which case, it doesn't matter, as it just made me excited.

Thursday, before going into the studio to teach, I stopped by the Starbucks near work. As I was leaving I saw this interesting looking guy with fitted jeans (not the norm for LA) and long skinny pointed shoes. It was the lead singer of Kinky. (as I write my iTunes shuffle just started playing one of their songs - tee hee hee). If I had had the courage to speak to him, I would have told him that I love to watch him dance. They way he moves across the stage is just so much fun, it makes me want to dance. Unfortunately, being in the crowd at concerts doesn't allow for that kind of movement, and jumping up and down in place just makes me frustrated. So I usually just stand still and watch.

Then, this morning walking back from the farmer's market with my breakfast and my groceries, I saw this redheaded man pushing a double stroller. When he looked up, it was the actor from the tv series Life. This was my favorite new show from last season. I am so excited it is coming back (the end of this month). I was just talking about this show on Friday.

The singer's name is Gilberto Cerezo and the actor's name is Damian Lewis. But I didn't know that before now. I have just admired them namelessly for a long time.

habits...

It takes 28 days to form a habit. I was talking about this with a friend of mine yesterday. One of her new habits is eating at home or eating something she made at home. Great habit to start. Last night before going to bed, i thought that there were a few habits I, too, wanted to start. Here goes: journaling every morning, blogging - at least 4 x per week, and walking every morning and their are some "flylady" habits I am starting too. Day one - so far so good. There are several things I want to blog about - my trip last weekend to San Francisco, the thing at the pier last month, my adventures on the subway & going to see Kinky, thoughts on men, and , hmmm.. i think that is it for now. (I think that is considered a teaser). Tonite, is all about habits - perhaps rituals is a better word.

Talya, the beach and Barcelona

My friend Talya had a full afternoon evening together. We went to the beach and told stories on ourselves (we did verbal spring cleaning), we went to dinner and started desire lists, and we saw Vicki Christina Barcelona. Spring Cleaning was great, we got the charge off several different topics for each of us. Dinner was yummy (Library Ale House). And the movie... Well the movie was a slice of life that while interesting, after all was said and done, I didn't see the point - perhaps that is the point.

Quick side notes: Frankie seems better. And I did a splits catch in trapeze class on thursday. AND I am almost done with my Diploma A in Shiatsu school.

Frankie and the Vet

Frankie is 18.5 years old. I have had her since she was a kitten. Her kidneys are not working at the level to which she needs them, but they are probably working pretty damn well for someone her age. Unfortunately, it isn't good enough for her to function really well. Lately she seems like a crotchety old lady (some of you might say, like her mother). She wakes me up early; she doesn't like to clean herself (like a really old lady) and she is a VERY finicky eater and every so often (actually rarely) she is incontinent. Last week, she pretty much stopped eating, so I force fed her baby food. I took her to the vet Friday. She had started picking on food a wee bit again. Yesterday, I left her at the vet all day for her to get fluids intravenously. And she was sent home with an IV of fluid for me to prick her with each day (or every other, depending upon her) a give her fluids under her skin (thank god, they don't expect me to find a vein). She did have a catheter in at the vets yesterday, so she has a bald spot on her paw now. I just gave Frankie her first dose of fluid today. She was actually good about it - I was much more upset than she. Here she is with the bandaid they gave her (her bald spot is under the wrap) - unfortunately my camera always pauses before taking a picture. Her bandaid matched her eyes.

Trapeze pictures

Teri slowly climbing ladder.













Teri getting set to "ready & hep" with the help of Jonathon and Jonathon












Tracy waiting for commands














Rie waiting for trapeze.













Me listening to directions on how to get down.

After a break of about 18 years...

After a break of about 18 years, I have made my way back to the flying trapeze. Trying it in Club Med when I was 23 caused me to quit my job and run away with the circus and do single trapeze (actually a lyra). The Trapeze School of NY has come to the Santa Monica Pier. Jonathon, who runs it, offered a class for me and my friends/co-workers and 5 of us took him up on it. Teri (who is horribly afraid of heights and ladders) did it once. The rest of us did it several times and even got caught on the other end. The physicality of it came back quickly. It is a test of nerves every time. Kind of like climbing the tower at camp. Everyone enjoyed it. It was Teri and Laura's first time. Tracy and Rie had done it much more recently than I. And now I am signed up for classes that I will take thursday mornings. I am so excited. I just realized I should have taken a picture of us all together afterwards with the people helping us (the guys helping us were hot). But, oh, well. (see pictures of us in action in next post)

First Week of Being Underemployed

This week was my first week of being underemployed. It was amazingly still full. Monday I discovered Facebook - okay that is a time suck. Fun, but wow. Tuesday I have classes that aren't back to back during the day, which was fine when I worked in the office. Now it is a little wierd. But after my second class, some of my long time students wanted to grab something downstairs to eat and after my third class (which isn't normal for me to teach) we went and saw Batman (which was good). Wednesday I had both school and work and the time in between seemed to disappear quickly. Thursday, I had appointments in the morning and then work. Friday I had school; I took Frankie to the vet and I went to yoga. It is amazing how easy it is to fill up a week. Now in addition to school, I have trapeze class on thursday mornings (see next entry).

Theme of the Week

Funny, last night just before going to bed, I realized this week has a theme - clearing out shit. It makes me laugh. Not only am I doing this literally (see the Coffee Episode), but I am cleaning out my desk, my filing cabinet, my email, my files on my computer. Perhaps next week will be about clearing out my shit at home. Hmmmm....

Mash ups

In cleaning out my desk, I found a website for mashups. I found two that I really like.

Pour Some Hot Sugar
by A plus D

and

Tender Umbrella
by Party Ben

enjoy!

Friday August 1, 2008

Tomorrow (actually today, but I have yet to go to bed) is my last day at work. It is weird. I plan to get all of my outstanding expense reports done and turned in. What seems really weird is that almost no one will be in the office tomorrow. My office mate (one of my bosses) will be in the OC, her assistant isn't in, my other boss is in SF, and the two big bosses are in Chicago. And I don't think many people will be in at all. odd and weird. I am taking class in the evening to end my day, which will be a good end to a weird day.

A friend said to me this evening that it is the end of an era. Which seems so apropos, and I had named my playlist for this evening exactly that. I didn't finish the playlist as I found another I really liked and hadn't used in a long time. But here are some of the songs from it...

18 - Moby
Smoke and Ashes - Tracy Chapman
Perdido en Ti - Diego
I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got - Sinead O'Connor
Fallin' - Alicia Keys
Where I Stood - Missy Higgins
Like This - Mims
Fight the Power - Korn featuring Xzibit
Elevator (feat. Timbaland) - Flo Rida
I Say Hey - Kinky

(some of them are just new things that I just got, some are old favs, and some that I didn't even choose for the "theme" are very apropos).

Life is weird. And I am so glad my week now seems so full of possibility rather than full of "have to"s.

the coffee episode

So, anyone who knows me, knows I gave up drinking coffee about 2 years ago. Well, this has nothing to do with drinking coffee. So continue reading at your own risk.

Two weeks ago in my Pain and Orthopedic Evaluation class, my teacher got tired of telling people one on one how to do a coffee enema. So, he gave us all the directions. My thought was, hhmmmm...some day.

Well, this last Saturday in my deep tissue class, my teacher announced that this week (the upcoming Saturday) we would be working on the Psoas - which lies under your large intestine (i think i have my anatomy correct there) and we should clear out our large intestines before class this week and the best way to do this was a coffee enema.

Okay, I thought, I can do this, my mom used to do them all the time (part of the Gerson Therapy). But, I'd better try it before Friday or Saturday, because I don't know the timing of my body.

So, Sunday, I bought an enema bag and Monday, I bought coffee - organic, free trade coffee. So, Monday night, I proceeded to give myself a coffee enema. Granted I completely disregarded my teacher's directions that one should not do this at night (because I wasn't going to have any day time to do it until Saturday) and I disregarded my friend saying it was like really good cocaine (hmmm... what does that do, keep you up?). Well, I didn't keep the coffee in as long as you are supposed to. Perhaps that was a good thing. I was so wired, it was hard to get to sleep and when I did, I didn't sleep well. Granted, I slept on the floor due to my concern that relaxing might make a mess (which it didn't - thank goodness) and I think people were climbing on the fire escape during the night - or I might have just imagined that. Anyway I didn't sleep well or much and I was still wired in the morning.

The wierd, nostalgic thing was the smell reminded me of my mom as she did coffee enemas as part of the Gerson Therapy when she was sick.

Anyway, I am going to do it again early Saturday morning. We shall see how it goes the second time.

thoughts

So many things to write about. Tomorrow is my last day at work (the office part of my job aka the stable income portion). The coffee episode from earlier in the week. My new portable hard drive (yes I am a geek). A phone call from someone checking in on me to make sure I am okay. A referral on LnkdIn from a woman I used to work with (at my current job) that made me feel appreciated. I haven't written at all about massage school - which I love. And I keep coming up with things I want to do and I will actually have time to do now (although I may not be able to afford them - but where there is a will, there is a way).

(yes, this entry is total stream of consciousness).

Fired

Fired, let go, we are cutting back...
Whatever, I just got fired from my day job.
Not sure how I feel about it. I think my last day is the last day of the month. I have one whole extra week of pay - woo hoo! and i do have health insurance through the end of the year. Part of me wants to rebel. Part of me wants to cry. Other than financial stability it is probably a good thing.

Thoughts on writing

There are so many things I think of writing during my week and yet I don't. There is a poem about frustration. There are my thoughts about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome (that is the definition of crazy right?). My thoughts on shiatzu (that I like it and my classes). Wanting to go to yoga and not making it. General thoughts on life. I think I need to write them down somewhere else before writing them here.

DESIRES

I am about to leave the office, my hours seem crazy now that I am in school (but I love school, so it is worth it). Anyway, as I redid my white board, updating what I am working on, I also updated my desires...

MY DESIRES (currently)
1. Remain Hiveless
2. Grace (always)
3. Fun dates with future loverman-husband
4. Remunerated (paid) such that I feel valued and appreciated
5. A yoga practice
6. Speak Spanish well
7. Find time for ballet
8. A 1 bedroom with a yard in my neighborhood that is affordable and fabulous
9. A Newfoundland (choclate brown)

things I am excited about today!!

Today I am excited about several unrelated things...

1. Going to see Wanted this weekend with a friend.
2. A body work workshop that I signed up for on Saturdays with my Anatomy teacher.
3. Kinky is playing at a street fair in Los Angeles next month.

I know, I am a geek. But these things excite me.

texas sky

the sky in texas and the clouds in it were unbelievable. I have posted a bunch of pictures of it on my flicker site. Here is my favorite.

an aside... I just found some things I had written months ago. I will post them soon.

my heart got bruised and my ego got battered but all in all this weekend was good.

home & sick

Well, I am not homesick anymore. Just at home and actually sick. I slept most of yesterday and slept in today. Unfortunately I can't get out of all of my commitments for this evening. I am going to Crazy Girls with my students. But as there will be lots of classes there, I may be able to scoot out early. I feel like there is a balance between not spreading germs and not letting people down (and of course taking care of oneself - why does that one always seem to fall last?).

FOG

One of the things I missed about home was fog. And today, this morning, it is here to welcome me home. Fog, thick and cool. Some call it June Gloom. I consider it God's air conditioning. It is so great to back in the fog. It is the little things - Waking up with my cat to a foggy sky.

silently for me...

Home - where everything is waiting. I am about to head off to Hobby airport and fly HOME!!! I am very excited. Very tired. I need to study and sleep. And Frankie will be VERY glad to see me.
I can't wait. I have a bunch of pix to put up from this trip - mostly of the clouds as they seem very different here. Some of the architecture in Austin. But the sky here in Texas is beautiful. I will put them up on flicker sometime after my Spanish final. HOME here I come!!!

Rain

Just got back from a walk. It was nice and cool as I left with big clouds blowing across the sky. And on my way back, they opened up and big drops of rain fell. At first sporadically, then in sheets. It was fabulous as it isn't cold enough to care that you are wet. It looks dark and dreary but it feels refreshing (not so refreshing that I wanted to stay outside after I made it all the way back, but refreshing none the less). The sidewalks were a bit slick and worrisome, but it was great. I got back to a freshly cleaned room. Gotta love it.

3 days

Three days until I fly home. I am so very excited. Granted I have a final in Spanish on Monday. So all my spare time (not all but alot) is tied up in studying. Also I have been watching the last season of Sex In the City as I was told I needed to before seeing the movie. It is hard not to keep watching more and more. But Spanish must fit in somewhere - there are lots of words and verbs and preterites and accents to memorize. Anyway, life is good and I am going home.

Iron Man to Roger Ebert to Studs Terkel

Tonite thinking about going to the movies, I was looking up Ironman and to make sure I had gotten the right name of the movie, I came across Roger Ebert's review of the movie. After reading that, I noticed a link to a previous blog entry of his regarding Studs Terkel. I was introduced to Studs Terkels work in my acting class with John Short. He had us choose monologues from one of Mr. Terkels' books. Anyway, Roger Ebert's article about him touched me and I just wanted to share it.

the perfect employment

I have been thinking alot on this trip, what would I like to change about my job (other than my salary) that would make me happier.

I love training and teaching. What don't I like? and can I stop doing it?

Preliminary thoughts.

Thinking about getting a job at a bookstore as I love books, but I am afraid it would just be too frustrating to have all these books to read around you and not being allowed to.

I have been thinking about going to massage school. It is something I have always been good at. I don't know if I'd like to do it as a job though. But learning more can't hurt and the anatomy portion would be great for teaching what I teach now.

The fact I discovered the job I have now and it is almost perfect makes me think I can somehow rearrange it so it is at least closer to perfect. Is that asking too much? Is it just a case of feeling appreciated (financially and otherwise) and will that change? can it change? what can I do to cause it to change? What can I change about how I do my job to have it change?

Random thoughts... stream of conciousness...

Houston Day 11

Although the clouds were white and fluffy early this afternoon, late this afternoon they were a bit more menacing. No rain as of yet. I am sitting in my Greek Coffee shop contemplating a glass of wine (while they serve no actual food, but muffins and baklava) they have a great wine selection. This is the most crowded I have seen it, granted it is the latest I have been here. I couldn't stay cooped up in my hotel room doing my Spanish homework, so I ventured out a few hours ago. I had a really yummy salad across the street and made my way over here for the internet access to finish up homework and get some actual work done.

I read my friend Lauren's blog today, she is an amazing writer. When I sit to write, I feel as if I don't have profound thoughts. There is stuff other than the day to day I need to get out, but I find myself editing, worrying about who may read this, especially if it is work related. I suppose I just need to write and then edit it before I put it up. Ahhh, a two part process, hmmm...

Houston

One of the things I have noticed about Houston is that the sky is a beautiful blue and their are usually poofy white clouds traveling across it. It is really flat here so you see the clouds come and go from farther away than I am used to.

Heath

I saw this before I left for Houston, prompting this post.

It has been months since Heath Ledger died. I read this article back in January and it summed up a lot of what I felt about him. Personally, I loved the way he moved. And the scene from "10 Things I Hate About You" is one that I always think about when I think of him and how he moved, completely unselfconsciously.

It is a good article.

greece is following me around

(saying that outloud, you might be thinking Grease, the musical, but no I mean Greece). In Chicago there was Greektown. Here in Houston there must be a large Greek population too. There are two greek restaurants within walking distance of my abode AND our studio manager here recommended a few places for me to go and hang out to work and I went to the first one today and it is a Greek coffeeshop completely equipped with lots of cans of Nescafe. They also have a great wine selection, of which I want to try but as they don't serve food other than muffins and sweets and I have been here for hours, I don't think it is a smart idea. I will have to come back sometime after having eaten. Anyway, I am enchanted. (and I got a lot of work done).

Off to Houston

Today I am off to Houston and it is only 70 degrees there right now (which is VERY low for Houston). My cab comes in two hours and I feel as if I have it under control. We shall see. I made sure to curl up with Frankie this morning after my alarm went off. I will miss her. She is a funny little old lady. My friend Dot is coming to stay with her while I am gone. (ooh, I need to leave directions.) I have pictures and ideas I have been postponing posting. I should be able to get them up from Houston. I have one day there that overlaps with a friend that is currently there training. That day of overlap is always the most fun as you have a friend to hang out with. The last few days have been very full and a bit sleep deprived. I got a lot done yesterday and I felt like I was in a haze for most of it. Sleep makes such a huge difference. Off to finish packing (and leaving cat directions).

a beautiful friday morning

On my walk this morning, the ocean was a beautiful blue with a silvery sheen. And on the horizon it just blended into the sky. You could tell where the sky was (unfortunately due to the smog) but you couldn't see a clear delineation. It was beautiful. And now I get to pay some bills and go to work!

mi profesora del espanol

My Spanish teacher is fabulous. She is so enthusiastic. If you do everything she lists on the homework, you can't fail. Granted it is time consuming, but it works. I hope my enthusiasm rubs off on my students as hers does on me.

(and i don't know how to make accents on the blog - the n in espanol should have a ~ over it.)

Jared Leto

Friday night, I went and saw Chapter 27 at the Nuart. Both Mr. Leto and the director/writer Mr. Schaefer were there to talk afterwards. I wasn't sitting very close and my students will be very upset to learn that I wasn't forward or pushy enough to actually meet Jared Leto. But the talk was good. He was well spoken and carried himself well. And I discovered a great used book store around the corner from the theatre. I found a book of essays by Julia Alvarez (which I didn't buy - but it looked good considering I much prefer novels to short stories) and I bought an Ethan Canin novel. A bonus to the evening was that my friend Super Duper was at the theatre too. It was good to see him.

Parking

I have parking in my building. I didn't know I would get so excited about something so simple, but I am. It makes life so much easier. I got the remote Friday when I got home. When I got home Friday night the remote didn't work - I was so bummed I didn't get to try it out. Saturday, our maintenance man helped me, I have a key that works that I can use until I get a new remote. It is so fabulous. The thing I will miss the most is walking by the coffee shop everyday on my way out.

I want to go grocery shopping for lots of groceries so I can park in MY PARKING SPOT and easily unload them right into the elevator. It is the simple things that make us happy.

Peeling skin?

My skin is peeling from my hands. I am actually applying more lotion than I normally do to hinder the peel. But perhaps it is just that I am like a snake, shedding a layer of skin. What is it that I am shedding? What is it that I am getting rid of? Are bad/unhealthy habits falling by the wayside as I take on healthy habits (or are they still lurking?). What do I need to shed? What concepts, values, beliefs have I been holding true need to be gotten rid of just like that things in my closet that need to go to Good Will? How do you get rid of beliefs and values? How do you replace them? Do you get rid of them like clothes knowing that great stuff will show up an fill the void? Or are they like habits, take on new ones to push out the old ones? And which values and beliefs need the old spring cleaning? What else do I need to shed?

Hives and mental health update and rambling

So everything seems to be on the upswing. Hives are almost gone. My homework from my healer is to make time for fun and to dine. (What's wrong with eating on the run? It is efficient) So, new habits are going into place. It should be interesting on the days I am at work from noon to 10P. Last week I fit in my meditation before teaching, now I get to fit in that AND dining. hmmmm....

I took class for myself Saturday evening, which was great. And tonite I went and saw the movie Charlie Bartlett with Dot.

The other thing my healer said is that I shouldn't continue to see the person I have been seeing on and off for awhile. She said he is too serious and I need someone fun. And she said he is scared to get too close, whereas he has told me he has intimacy issues (can you say "red flag"?). Have you ever wondered if you will ever find sex quite as fabulous? He may not be "fun" but...

It would be easier if I were interested in someone other than him and my celebrity boyfriends, George and James (Clooney and McAvoy respectively). (yes i have a fertile imagination)

thoughts to sleep on

Kinky

(okay, watch your mind...the band)
Kinky is one of my favorite bands. They are from Mexico. I first saw them at a KCRW concert with Victoria and her niece, Ashley. They reminded me of a Mexican Beastie Boys. They have since gone more techno with some of their stuff. But the way they move and play off each other is so fun and lively. I love the way the lead singer moves. He uses the entire stage. Standing in a crowd and trying to dance while watching him dance is just frustrating because you don't have even of the fraction of the space he does.

Tuesday they played the Mayan (downtown LA). It is a cool venue. I went after my Spanish class (the quiz is always at the end of class). But I caught most of the show. Where I was standing the bass was so loud, I could feel my shirt push against my skin. It was wild. They seemed not as lively as normal. But they had played a gig the night before in Anaheim. Last night (Saturday) they played in Santa Barbara. I was tempted to go, but that would have made for a crazy weekend. And a weekend without travel right now is a blessing.

Hives and my mental health

At some point early this week, my sister pointed out that I didn't seem happy. And unfortunately she is right. So we talked about things that would help - a therapist, chocolate, and sex. (Granted chocolate and sex are short term, but endorphins are always good). She was big on the therapist for the long haul and chocolate in the meantime.

Midweek, I went for a waxing, but due to the hives, we really couldn't wax. My waxer and I were talking and she recommended I check out her talking doctor and then she called someone she knows that is kind of an intuitive - she clears crap out of your energy (I think that is how one might describe it). She talked to me for a couple minutes and said my hives were probably due to one of three things (let's see if i can remember all three). All three struck a chord. The first had to do with abandonment issues "probably concerning your mother." hmmmm.... The second had something to do with feeling like a victim (I don't remember but it struck home the way she said it). And the third had to do with feeling like you haven't done enough (which is pretty much how I always feel) but she said it stemmed from something in my childhood and childhood responsibilities. I haven't called her to get her services for clearing yet. Still mulling it over, but... she seems onto something.

I finally called my healer and she said my hives were probably due to stress and too much heat in my body. To eat/drink thinks that would cool me down (ie: grapefruit juice) and to concentrate on being happy. It is hard to take someone telling you to be happy, when you don't feel like you have access to it at all. But I am going to see her today and I have been drinking lots of grapefruit juice.

Thursday I did have a meeting with our COO where we discussed my job duties and my salary. This meeting made me feel much better for several reasons - I felt heard and I got that she appreciates me.

Yesterday I saw my acupuncturist. She thinks the hives are a virus trapped in an energy channel (it makes sense when she explains it). And there might be something connected to my large intestine too. So I am taking fiber and flax seed oil and a skin remedy.

So somehow all of these things culminating have helped my hives - they are still here and itch, but not as bad - which is a step in the right direction. And although I wouldn't say I am happy, I wouldn't say it feels completely inaccessible either.

Hives (probably more than you ever wanted to know)

I have had hives all week. This is the worst case of hives I have ever had. They began Sunday night during the Vedic Meditation intro I went to. By the time I went to bed my body was slightly swollen and very itchy. Before this last July, I had only gotten hives once and that was an allergic reaction to penicillin when I was 17 and they were only on the backs of my legs. In July I got them on my hands the morning of Victoria's baby shower and I was afraid I had some weird athlete's foot on my hands so I wore gloves to the shower. By the end of that day, they were all over me and they lasted about a week. Since then I have had them on and off but mostly just on my hands, elbows and knees. This time - kabamm. They have gotten much better since thursday.

I usually get them from stress. Now my acupuncturist thinks it may be due to a virus caught in my body. I still think their onset is stress related. This time I think my body had reaction to my starting meditation. Almost as if my body thinks it needs the stress and this is it's reaction to my deciding to start to get rid of stress. Like my body saying - "you think you are going to get rid of stress - Hah! this is what we think of that!" Or maybe it is my body saying "Oh my god, look how much we need this! You must do this, look this is how stressed out your body is." Either way it itches like hell.

The last two mornings although the majority of my body is better, my hands have itched to high heaven and my knuckles are swollen (not as badly as earlier in the week, but still). It is almost as if I want to rip my fingers off to get them to stop itching or maybe just rip the skin off my fingers. arrgh (yes they itch right now).

pov

I knew this last week at work would be full and possibly hairy and harried. It actually went well AND I feel that since I decided to be good with whatever, my attitude about it was much better. It was a definite choice that I made on Sunday. It made it so much better.

travel

This last week was a big week at work. We were training people from all over the country at our LA studio. This week, we are moving offices. This weekend I am off to NYC to complete their upper level training. The next weekend, I am off to SF to begin their upper level training. The NYC group is 3 people. The SF group is 7. Very different. Also in SF, my dad is having his 75th birthday party. This will be fun (except for the part that I have to go and train directly afterwards, but that will work out).

I am not quite sure why I am writing this but I am.

spanish class

Just got the email from my teacher saying she'd posted our quiz grades - tee hee hee - I got 100% on my first quiz. I am very excited. I hope I do as well this tuesday night. I have a lot to study before then. I am doing well on the homework, but I can check if I am correct and reference things before I complete it. So there are things to memorize before tuesday. We will see how studying goes with traveling these next two weekends. Oh my goodness.

new glasses

See them on flickr. I wore them today and granted I actually accessorized my outfit. But everyone complimented me on my the color of my sweater or necklace or my earrings, but not my glasses. Only the people I mentioned I had gotten new glasses to, complimented me on my glasses. funny. I really like these as they have more peripheral vison that my old ones (the lenses are wider).

No Gloves Required

Last year, when I was in NYC for all of February, I had to get completely bundled to go outside. This trip, no gloves are required. Sometimes you might want them, but you don't have to have them, and sometimes you don't even want to wear them.

Yesterday when I arrived, the hotel told me there were no rooms available for early check in, but I could use the sauna or the pool if I wanted. I asked if there were couches down by the sauna or the pool. "No" was my answer. Granted, at that point I started eyeing the couches in the lobby. And I just stood there and waited. (I didn't sleep well on the red eye - due to turbulence and stress). I was too tired to figure out anything else to do. The woman helping me had walked away, when she came back, she had a room for me. They had upgraded me to a suite so that they could give me a room right away.

According the weatherpeople, we were supposed to have snow flurries today. We got rain. I even saw lightning on my walk home and heard thunder (they were very far apart, so very far away).

I will take some pix this trip and post them on flickr. I have yet to take any. But there are some interesting buildings.

Super Bowl Sunday and the anti-social weekend

The Pats lost. Which I think was a surprise to everyone (even the Giants, although they won't admit it.). I went to a local bar at the end of half time to watch the the rest of the game with other people - a friend of mine was either working or would have been there - anyway, they wouldn't let me in as they were full up. I could have pulled the "is so& so working?" but I just didn't have it in me. So my big social outing was given the ole heave ho.

I have had the anti-social weekend. Not that I was trying to be anti-social. I did go to the farmer's market in the rain and I did try to go to a bar.

I stayed home sick on friday. I just slept most of the day. Saturday, I made to knitting class, it was our last one. Then I knit and napped the rest of the day.

Next weekend I will be in NYC. I hope I am a little more lively.

I did cook today. So I have food for the week - or at least a portion of the week.

I think this is the most boring post ever. There is more to say and yet I am not sure how to say it.

I am happy for the Peytons. And I am unhappy that the Pats didn't complete their perfect season.

I didn't do anything specific to honor my mom's memory on Friday. I was sick. I did think about her and how I used to call her from college and talk for an hour or so with her when I was sick. I will go walk down to the ocean tomorrow morning on my walk. She has been gone 19 years. And as of this next Friday she would have been 73 years old.

5 year plans

Do you write 5 year plans? or even 1 year plans?

I know that people that do accomplish much more than those of us that don't.

I have a desires list.

I feel like some of my big life decisions depend upon getting married and finding appropriate sperm. And although I have tried to put that on a timeline before, I have just decided to stay in action (dating, meeting people, etc.) and not feel pushed.

But, I guess there are definite measure ables that could be accomplished this year.
I definitely want a pay increase this year.
I want my actual work place situation to change.
I want a car that runs on bio-diesil
I want ...
there is a lot that I want that i don't want to put a date on.
I want to married to a remarkable man that adores me (and whom I adore and he makes my socks roll up & down)
I want to create a family with him.
I want to travel to Galicia again and walk from Santiago to Finesterre.
I want to visit Provence and smell the lavender.
I want to visit Greece during their Easter.

Where do I want to be within my company in a year, 5 years?
This one will take a lot of thought.
It seems the more you are promoted, the less you actually get to train or teach, which I love.

full but mellow weekend

Why is it that when I am invited to a friends house for a get together, I am always hopeful that they may have invited a man for me to meet. But alas, alack aday, this seems to be the last thing on their "to do" lists.

Well, I suppose there were 2 single men at the games night I went to Saturday. But they were 8 and 13 years old - a bit too young (even for me).

And a knitting class probably wasn't the smartest class to take if I wanted to meet a man. There are men in the store (rarely) but none in our class. But I am enjoying it. I am making hats for all the new babies my cohorts in teaching have had lately, a sweater for my niece and hand warmers (just because). I will have to figure out who to give the hand warmers (wrist warmers maybe?) to, as I probably won't wear them.

Which reminds me, I need to find a pattern for a headband/earwarmer thing. I am going to NYC next weekend to train some teachers.

Hives Girl Goes to Writing Class

Woke up with hives on Friday. They haven't gone away yet. Have taken to wearing long sleeves so no one notices.
Started a writing workshop tonite. My friend Mel put it together. It includes mild yoga and breath work and then....you write. We also picked goddess cards to pick a goddess to guide us. Mine was Kuan Yin - a goddess of compassion. The card said:

"Release judgements about yourself and others, and focus on the love and light that is within everyone."

Why is it that compassion is always what I need more of?
I suppose we all do.

My Knight In Shining Armor

Where is my knight in shining armor?

Is he now a middle aged man who married someone else and is now looking for me?

Have I been Rapunzel up in her tower only letting down my hair occasionally?

Has his armor become rusty?
Do I need to carry WD40 wherever I go, just in case?

What happens if you never get to "happily ever after"?

What if I never find my arms of solace?

Or what if I found them and they weren't to be mine?

In happily ever after, who takes out the trash?

Love and other Meanderings (inc. a letter to my mom)

love
from the heart
Heart pouring out
soaking another with love.
Drowned by love - a concept
Could someone's love be so big that it might literally drown you?
How horrible to drown one that you love with your abundance of love.
How much love can a person absorb, accept, allow.

If someone's heart has only a trickle of love,
how do they break the dam open?
Can they? Do they want to?

Life bombards us with ideas, concepts, commitments, shoulds and shouldn'ts.
How do we pick and choose which to accept, which to let in.
Which do we let run us?
Which do we refrain from?

How do you cuddle yourself?
Seek solace with your own arms?
Where are the other arms that I am to seek solace inside of?

I feel as if suddenly - all of a sudden -
I have aged. I suddenly look my age.

Dear Mom,
Please help Kuan Yin to supply me with endless compassion. Please help me to find the arms that will provide me with solace and strength and love; the arms that with both protect and provide. The arms that are connected to the body with which I will procreate.

I know, I need to get back into action.
It is all in my hands. The creation of my life. The search for the arms of solace.

I cannot choose a man that I want to help.
I can choose a man I want to build something with.

The architect gave me hope. He was driftwood. I am getting near the shore. The circus guy was driftwood too.
What is next to do to find land? I may find an island (bigger driftwood) before I find land.

My First Writing Class - Rocks

Rocks ground you,
they build up,
are a part of something bigger than itself.
The earth, a castle, a fort, a cave.
Like us, they are interconnected to be something bigger than themselves.