Hats and Martyrs

Sometimes it takes looking from someone else's viewpoint to see how mired you are in something. Months ago, whenever the World Cup was, I was crushed by this man who is leaving for Germany. He had no idea he crushed me, but I was crushed. That week, I had a massage from my friend Rie, the goddess of bodyworkers, and I told her of my broken heart. Then, a few weeks later, when all my employment issues were going on and I had contacted him for advice, she and I went out to dinner and during he called to check in and make sure I was okay. Last she had heard was he'd broken my heart and now we were talking, hmmm. Then, this last tuesday, she had just gotten back from her incredible adventure and I was sitting in the lobby of the studio knitting and she asked who the hat was for. And of course it is for him for Germany. Granted it is a color that looks good on me if I choose not to give it to him. All of a sudden, I realized how I seemed to someone else - rather ewwww. And I was glad it actually felt over. Granted, I may not let it be completely over until he is on that plane. But I realize that is my choice and my delusion.

And on a happy note, I have 2 dates this next week with men from eharmony. (the timing seems perfect)

when your playlist makes you laugh

Went for a walk this morning on the beach. Was breathing into my heart as the song Ready for Love by India.Arie came on. I thought to myself "well, perfect song." Then I ran into the man I have been seeing on and off for 4 years (I haven't spent any time with him since before April) and is moving to Germany this month. He was walking with his mom. We talked for a moment and I walked on. The next song to come on Scrood By U by Lords of Acid, which made me laugh as the lyrics are how in some ways I feel about him. Then as I turned around and crossed his path again Let's Get It On by good ole Marvin Gaye was playing. Then on my way back to my apartment was Ooh La La with Goldfrapp singing about being made for love. And then my favorite Song of the Siren by This Mortal Coil. And the whole time I kept remembering to breath into my heart. And I realized that his moving away creates more space for me to love and fall in love. And as I walked into my building I revolutionary thought (for me) that I love him, but I am not in love with him anymore.

Just an interesting side note, I named my new Ipod "Soundtrack to my Adventure."

thoughts

So many things to write about. Tomorrow is my last day at work (the office part of my job aka the stable income portion). The coffee episode from earlier in the week. My new portable hard drive (yes I am a geek). A phone call from someone checking in on me to make sure I am okay. A referral on LnkdIn from a woman I used to work with (at my current job) that made me feel appreciated. I haven't written at all about massage school - which I love. And I keep coming up with things I want to do and I will actually have time to do now (although I may not be able to afford them - but where there is a will, there is a way).

(yes, this entry is total stream of consciousness).

Thoughts on writing

There are so many things I think of writing during my week and yet I don't. There is a poem about frustration. There are my thoughts about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome (that is the definition of crazy right?). My thoughts on shiatzu (that I like it and my classes). Wanting to go to yoga and not making it. General thoughts on life. I think I need to write them down somewhere else before writing them here.

texas sky

the sky in texas and the clouds in it were unbelievable. I have posted a bunch of pictures of it on my flicker site. Here is my favorite.

an aside... I just found some things I had written months ago. I will post them soon.

my heart got bruised and my ego got battered but all in all this weekend was good.

Hives and mental health update and rambling

So everything seems to be on the upswing. Hives are almost gone. My homework from my healer is to make time for fun and to dine. (What's wrong with eating on the run? It is efficient) So, new habits are going into place. It should be interesting on the days I am at work from noon to 10P. Last week I fit in my meditation before teaching, now I get to fit in that AND dining. hmmmm....

I took class for myself Saturday evening, which was great. And tonite I went and saw the movie Charlie Bartlett with Dot.

The other thing my healer said is that I shouldn't continue to see the person I have been seeing on and off for awhile. She said he is too serious and I need someone fun. And she said he is scared to get too close, whereas he has told me he has intimacy issues (can you say "red flag"?). Have you ever wondered if you will ever find sex quite as fabulous? He may not be "fun" but...

It would be easier if I were interested in someone other than him and my celebrity boyfriends, George and James (Clooney and McAvoy respectively). (yes i have a fertile imagination)

thoughts to sleep on

5 year plans

Do you write 5 year plans? or even 1 year plans?

I know that people that do accomplish much more than those of us that don't.

I have a desires list.

I feel like some of my big life decisions depend upon getting married and finding appropriate sperm. And although I have tried to put that on a timeline before, I have just decided to stay in action (dating, meeting people, etc.) and not feel pushed.

But, I guess there are definite measure ables that could be accomplished this year.
I definitely want a pay increase this year.
I want my actual work place situation to change.
I want a car that runs on bio-diesil
I want ...
there is a lot that I want that i don't want to put a date on.
I want to married to a remarkable man that adores me (and whom I adore and he makes my socks roll up & down)
I want to create a family with him.
I want to travel to Galicia again and walk from Santiago to Finesterre.
I want to visit Provence and smell the lavender.
I want to visit Greece during their Easter.

Where do I want to be within my company in a year, 5 years?
This one will take a lot of thought.
It seems the more you are promoted, the less you actually get to train or teach, which I love.